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[personal profile] nuchild
Title: The changes I put you through
Rating: Pg


Elijah wanted to love him, he really did. He wanted to make those declarations of fidelity in the late of the night. He wanted to crawl into Billy’s lap in the middle of the day and sleep. He wanted to be able to comfort, support, and assure just with a look.

But all he could do was move around Billy like a stranger in a strange land. He couldn’t bring himself to say the things that needed to be said. He would watch Billy from across the room for hours, unable to move.

Elijah wanted to be the type of boyfriend that could give everything. All he managed to give was give tension. He could see the muscles freeze in Billy’s neck when ‘I love you, too’ didn’t make it to his lips. He was counting the days until this was over. He wasn’t even upset about it; he had been driving Billy to this. He didn’t expect Billy to stay, knew he wouldn’t.

The day was a Friday and Elijah just knew this would be it. He looked up from the television and into Billy’s blank face. Billy started taking but Elijah didn’t hear his words, just watched the lips move. He imagined that he could hear Billy’s heart breaking with every breath it took to produce each word. He strained to hear and still couldn’t. Billy finished his speech and grabbed the duffel bag he’d thrown on the recliner when he had walked in. He didn’t look back as he walked to the door, through it, and closed it behind him.

Elijah sat in front of the television for a good ten minutes before the tears came. They erupted from his eyes in a flood, as if he had been holding them in for years. The tears stung his eyes as they flowed in lines down his face, the taste of them reminded him of getting sea water in his mouth as a child at the beach. His body started to shake and tremble with the force of his sobs. He walked slowly to his room and curled up on the floor.

This wasn’t the end of them, Elijah knew. Billy would be back. Elijah sat up and dried his eyes with the back of his hand. He contemplated all the things he would say, all the things he could say when Billy returned. He realized what he needed was time to sort himself out, and when Billy came back to him, like a man who’d watched a house burn down and wandered back to see the rubble, he would be rebuilt, repaired, and ready for the commitment.
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February 2007

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